There was a string of many years where I wrote regularly; I cycled through various tumblr accounts back in the early 2010s where I found a little community of like-minded runner-types (many of whom I still keep up with and have met in-person over the years! The internet is crazy that way.) and eventually had Tahoe Tara operating for awhile… and then I just… stopped. I can easily blame it on life – I think the last post I genuinely wrote was about Charlie’s birth in January 2020, and while suddenly acquiring a helpless, tiny human was a massive life-altering moment, that the world shut down a mere eight weeks later also had some impact. In reality, over my last few years of writing pre-Charlie, it also just became hard to feel like I was being genuine while trying to find the balance between being raw and too raw in years that were superficially good but also deeply painful and challenging.
Alas here I am, coming up for air after surviving #twoundertwo (the vibe of which was really applicable till we made it through #twounderfour) and entering what I’ve heard are the ‘golden years’ of parenting where your kids are independent enough to play alone and not require constant supervision but still find genuine excitement in things and like you… and there’s this illusion that I now have more time to process and braindump and share.
I look back on the past 4.75 years and it’s a blur, and the things that stand out are fleeting spotty memories peeking out from a daily grind of survival. There were a solid two years when we were sick every month with some various disease/illness/injury/surgery recovery, where I somehow tried to smile on Zoom calls while a child stood on a table showering the room with dried pinto beans (‘make a sensory table!’ they said! ‘It’ll be fun!’ they said!) or walked for hours in isolation pushing a stroller and wearing a baby around our Chandler neighborhood streets. There was a lot of time spent in the four walls of our small house, staring out at a pool that was too hot to swim in while melting in the exhaustion and boredom that comes from sitting with two toddlers for hours on end. There were tears (many tears) from all parties (well, maybe mostly Charlie). But…in between all of that, there were also plenty of good moments of being close to family and watching the special relationships between my parents and the kids develop, or early morning runs and conversations in the darkness and hours spent at the gym, which highlights that even in hard situations, a strong community can really lift you up.
Charlie turns five in January, and it feels monumental. He’s a full kid now with a sweet, caring personality and sharp mind and (finally) some emotional regulation where he’s a blast to hang out with. Hailey’s almost 3.5, and consistent to how she was from the second she was born, she almost never stops smiling but has no fear of exercising her influence as a strong, independent woman who is determined to keep up with her brother. Taylor graduates from high school this spring, and it’s amazing to see her evolution from child to preteen to teen to almost-adult and the maturity that she’s grown into. They all love each other fiercely, and the littles will someday recognize how lucky they are to have each other AND a big.
And I am surviving as I re-emerge into society in this period of evolving some of my own identity while processing the things that have changed. I still run (and emphatically prefer doing so on trails, of which there are luckily some right out our North Carolina front door), but my days of long distance running are probably over (and that’s ok). I’ve somehow managed to stay employed despite the chaos and work my way up through a career, and work is engaging and challenging even though some days are long (I am in meetings all. the. time.). Keith and I are good, and we exist in a strong partnership with shared responsibility and love, and it’s fun to see how our relationship and family has grown and morphed over the years. I try to find outlets in creativity (that’s looked more like taking photos in recent years) and building friendships while I explore the world around me.
It’s been a long road since 2010… but here we are.
